Monday, 8 March 2010
so you thought vultures only flew?
Thursday, 4 March 2010
Wednesday, 3 March 2010
the ups and downs of being a premier football player in the UK
Tuesday, 2 March 2010
Boris The Faltering Bull Is Saved by Viagra
According to the Sun newspaper, Boris a bull on the farm of farmer Dave Joyce (see photo) had proved "more of a laughing stock than breeding stock, after failing to finish what he started with a herd of cows."
So it was reluctantly decided that next stop for him was --the abattoir.
But farmer Dave then had a brain-wave: he would try to save the life of Boris with -- a love potion.
He fed Boris a diet of herbal Viagra for a week. And just two days before the bull was due for slaughter, "Boris had regained the horn."
Or was it perhaps the 'North Pole'?
The farmer explained: "Since the herbal treatment we have never seen him so rampant. When the cows come out - he's the first in there. Now he is totally on the straight and narrow and calves are back on the agenda. It means we don't have to turn him into burgers."
Dave's assistant, Rob Smith, discovered the product on the internet. The capsules include Horny Goat (sic) Weed, Damiana, Avena Sativa and Muira Puama — all claiming to rev up your love life.
Dave added: "Boris couldn't finish off what he started with the cows. For some reason his tackle would veer off at 45 per cent at the vital moment, and all was lost. But after a few days of the treatment, Boris was back to his randy old self."
Dave was so impressed with what it did for Boris he is putting a small amount of the herbal remedy in a range of "Bang Bang" (sic) sausages for humans he sells from his farm shop. Unfortunately, the Sun neglected to give the address of the farm. But watch this page. We shall trace it -- even if we have to go to Kokokraba Market to look for it.
can omar bashir hold sudan together?
SUDAN
Cutting the Umbilical Cord02/09/10, Cameron Duodu
As Southern Sudan prepares for a referendum on its status in the larger Sudan, Cameron Duodu, leading African journalist and a pan-Africanist asks: Will President Omar al-Bashir really allow Southern Sudan to go?
The 14th Summit of the African Union held in Addis Ababa from January 31 to February 2, 2010, was noteworthy not for what took place formally at the meeting but what happened outside it. A diplomatic wrangle occurred over Sudan that can be compared to the west African dance of kpanlogo.
This is an impish hi-life dance in which the partners waggle against each other, upwards and downwards, whilst simultaneously wiggling forwards and backwards, as partners and onlookers shout"Kpanlogo!" at each stage.
The Addis Ababa "shuffle" went like this: the Secretary-General of the United Nations, Ban Ki-Moon, told the Summit: (STEP ONE, BODY UPRIGHT) "In Sudan, time is of the essence. The elections are three months away. The two referenda to determine the future shape of Sudan are in just under a year.
"At the same time, millions continue to be displaced in Darfur. Earlier this morning I attended a mini-Summit on the future of Sudan organized by the African Union Chairperson... I was pleased that African leaders supported the United Nations efforts to pursue a four-track strategy ...namely to forge consensus among member states on the way forward;...continue to strengthen the UN presence on the ground;...promote discussions on key post-referendum issues and...build the capacity of South Sudanese institutions. At the same time, we must continue work to deepen the encouraging improvement in relations between Chad and Sudan."
Although the Sudan versus Southern Sudan conflict is fraught with difficulties of perception, none of the protagonists could reasonably object to anything that Ban Ki-Moon told the Summit. Outside the Summit, however, he gave an interview to two French journalists, which seemed to freeze him in one of the positions of kpanlogo (to the consternation of the spectators at what might be called the "Summit Ball"!)
STEP TWO: (BODY BENT DOWNWARDS, AS WRIGGLING CONTINUES) Or how a translation error led to an international incident.
"On Saturday morning, Ban Ki-moon appeared to be breaking with five years of standing U.N. policy toward Sudan, by telling two French news agencies that he would try to prevent Africa's largest country Sudan from splitting into two nations in the 2011 referendum on independence for Southern Sudan." "We'll work hard to avoid a possible secession," the wire service Agence France Presse (AFP) reported him as saying."
Ban's remarks ... set off a major international incident in Sudan, prompting Sudan's Southern leaders to accuse the Secretary-General of interfering in the South's decision to determine its own political future. Southern Sudan's president, Salva Kiir Mayardit, wrote to Ban, saying his remarks constituted "an erroneous description of the U.N.'s role as a guarantor" of the 2005 Comprehensive Peace Agreement, which ended the Sudanese civil war and gave southerners the right to vote on independence in January 2011.
Ban was quoted by the French reporters as saying that he favours a unified Sudan, adding, "We will try to work hard to make this unity attractive." But AFP had apparently mistranslated the English language interview (Kpanlogo!) in its first French version of the story(Kpanlogo!), and then repeated the mistake when the French was re-translated into English.(Kpanlogo!)
The actual quote by AFP said: "Then we will work very closely -- we will have to work very closely -- not to have any negative consequences coming from this potential or possible secession."
The story first appeared on the wires in French in the morning and in English in the early afternoon. It played out over three days in the international press, getting picked up by news agencies, the BBC and the Financial Times, causing consternation. (Kpanlogo!)
The slow-grinding machinery of the U.N. only issued its first public denial three days later. It read: "In order to clarify erroneous reports about remarks attributed to the Secretary-General concerning Sudan, the Secretary-General's spokesperson would like to reaffirm the Secretary-General's position, which is that the United Nations would work to support the parties in their efforts to "make unity attractive", as well as the exercise by the people of Southern Sudan of their right to self-determination in a referendum.
"Any suggestion that the United Nations may have taken a position that may prejudge the outcome of such a referendum is incorrect."(Kpanlogo! Alogo Aloogo, Kpanlogo!
Whew! The brouhaha points to the hidden landmines that still lie in Sudan's path to real peace. Next year's referendum will, of course, be held under "international supervision". But are there any guarantees that there won't be hanky-panky? Did Ban Ki-Moon let slip a potential UN sleight-of-hand, when he spoke to the French journalists? Why did it take three days to correct the "mistranslation" if it was indeed a "mistranslation"?
The people of Southern Sudan cannot be blamed if they ask such questions. I mean, even in a country under the international spotlight as Afghanistan, an election was held in which most of the opponents of the eventual "winner", President Hamid Karzai, accused him of massive election rigging. They also charged the international community -- including the United States and its ally, Great Britain, the loudest advocates of democracy throughout the world -- of condoning Karzai's fraud.
Can the frail, infant regime of Southern Sudanese resist any electoral crimes that are deployed through a hidden international agenda to influence the outcome of the 2011 referendum? The answer is disquieting, when one remembers what took place in Afghanistan, and before that, the electoral frauds in Kenya and Zimbabwe and the annulment of the Nigerian election of June 12, 1993.
Meanwhile, another grenade has been lobbed into the road-map of the Sudanese peace process. The International Criminal Court has been told, by its own appeals panel, to add the crime of genocide to the charge sheet against President Omar al-Bashir. President Bashir already faces an arrest warrant on seven charges of crimes against humanity and war crimes. The appeal panel's decision means that the prospects are now closer for adding thegenocide charge. The appeal was against an earlier ruling by the ICC, which said there was "insufficient proof" that Bashir had intentionally participated in genocide.
If a genocide charge is preferred against Bashir, it will be the first by the ICC against a serving head of state. (Slobodan Milosevic, the late Yugoslav leader, faced genocide charges but only after he had stepped down. He died in jail whilst being tried.)
Bashir rejects the charges against him, and his Government in Khartoum is claiming that the ICC has deliberately announced the genocide charge now to "obstruct" the elections to be held in Sudan in two months time. April. A Sudanese Information Ministry official, Rabie Abdelatif, said: "This procedure of the ICC is only to stop the efforts of the Sudanese government towards elections and a peaceful exchange of power.
We are not bothering actually what the ICC will say, whether it includes genocide or not."
But a spokesman for one of Darfur's most powerful rebel groups, the Justice and Equality Movement (Jem), welcomed the ruling. "This is a correct decision," Ahmed Tugud told Reuters. "We believe that what we have seen on the ground in Darfur amounts to a crime of genocide. Now we are assessing our situation on whether it is ethically possible to negotiate with a government accused of committing genocidal crimes against our people."
But is the ICC decision of any real import? President Bashir has indeed avoided arrest since the ICC issued a warrant against him, because many African and Arab leaders have become wary of the people the ICC chooses to seek an indictment against. Since the warrant was issued Bashir has visited Qatar, Ethiopia and Zimbabwe among other nations.
More important, the African Union has been split in its support for the warrant. Although countries like Botswana have been very critical of Bashir, the AU's most senior diplomat, Jean Ping, for instance, has hit out at the ICC, accusing the court of only targeting African nations. "We are not for a justice with two speeds, a double standard justice - one for the poor, one for the rich," Ping said.
Although Ping did not name any countries or personalities, the illegal invasion of Iraq by the United States and Britain, with the hundreds of thousands of civilian deaths it has caused, could not have been too far from his mind. If George Bush, the former American President who launched the war against Iraq, and his principal ally, Tony Blair, are both walking free with no warrants issued against them, a problem of perception is caused in African and the Arab world for the ICC. Many Africans, remembering that the ICC has put ex-President Charles Taylor of Liberia behind bars, have begun to suspect that the ICC's Machiavellian approach is, "If you can catch them, then issue a warrant. But if their countries are too powerful, then don't try."
The ICC, in other words, is undoubtedly engaged in its own version of kpanlogo!
walking into history
Monday, 22 February 2010
How Economics Is Changing Ghana For The Worse
Ghanaians in the Diaspora call their homeland “Ogyakrom", which literally means "Place Of Fire".
The reason why Diasporans call their country "Ogyakrom" is that when they visit there from Europe or America, money "melts" in their pockets at such a fast rate that theirs pockets become like a crucible in which the temperature is somewhat nigh to what is to be found in Hades itself.
For once it is known in one's village that a "Diasporan" is in town, all one's relatives -- both close and newly close -- (we call the latter members of our "vulture family" because they are many, and they only gather around one when one has something that can be devoured)
come to him to narrate their tales of woe. The only way to shut them up is to "melt" some more cedis and shower it on them.
On one trip, I had almost reached my car from my room, en route to Accra, when a woman I hardly knew approached me, leading a child. "Blaa," (Brother) she said, "your niece fell into some hot water and was burnt badly. I need money to take her to hospital." And before I could say anything, she'd taken the little girl's cloth off, displaying terrible scabs all over her stomach.
I was extremely upset. I don't have a stomach for unsightly things. So, to me, this was callous emotional blackmail.
I had given no indication whatsoever that I would not accede to her request. So why did she have to show me the kid's scabs to seal the deal, as it were?
At such moments, one cannot help feeling that one is looked upon as a source of loot, not as a human being with sensitivities of one's own.
But this sort of thing is child's play, compared to the way some other guys go about extorting money from others in Ogyakrom. When a friend's mother died and they went to Korle Bu Teaching Hospital in Accra to collect the body for burial, his sister was moping about in distress outside the mortuary, wondering why it was taking such a long time for the body to be released by the mortuary attendants, when one of them beckoned to her to come.
"Madam, are you related to the lady who has passed away?", he asked her in a conspiratorial whisper.
"Yes, I am her daughter."
"Oh, I am so sorry for you, Madam."
"Thanks for your sympathy.... Could you please hurry it up? We have very far to go."
"Do you know something, madam? We are the people who do all the dirty work for you people oh! But you people pay big, big money to the hospital but we who dey do all de work, dem dey pay us only small," he said. "If we tell you how much dem dey pay us, Madam, you go cry! So, we be hungry, Madam. ... Madam, do something!"
Before the lady could react, the mortuary attendant had npushed her into the mortuary. There, on a table, lay her mother's body, cut open.
The lady screamed and ran out. The people with her caught hold of her and tried to calm her down. They saw she was totally traumatised. When she told them what had happened, someone said: "Hmm, as for these mortuary people, that's what they do here oh!” They went and “dashed” the mortuary people some money and gave them a bottle of vodka. Within minutes, they had their perfectly dressed body to take away for burial.
"What annoys me is that I would have paid them the money anyhow, without being subjected to seeing my mother in that state," the lady said. "As the case was, I could have died of a heart attack myself, from the shock. I mean I nearly fainted! Imagine seeing your own mother cut open like that!"
"Ah," her companions said, "as for you you don't know them. They don't want to give you a chance to be able to say "No, I didn't bring money", or "I've paid all the money I brought into the hospital accounts. They want to hoist you at the end of a fait accompli. That's how they get you!"
"It's straightforward emotional blackmail!"
Of course it is. An oh, they do care so much about the way they do it, don't they?"
When my mother was still alive, I used to send her from London money whenever anyone I knew came there. One day, a "by-force" uncle; that is, one who was not really an uncle but represented himself as such, phoned to say that another distant uncle was in town and "we" should go and see him together. Of course, as someone with a car, my "uncles" simply multiply.
I had great difficulty finding the place in Croydon, but eventually, we got there. It turned out this guy was a true uncle/ I remembered that in my childhood, he used to visit us, as he and my mother shared the same step-father and grew up together. So I had no hesitation in giving him what, to me, was quite a large sum, to go and give to his “sister“, my mother.
I learnt later that he had used the money to buy himself a uniform for an Oddfellows Lodge of which he was a member! Meanwhile, there I sat smugly in London, thinking I'd made my mother financially ok for some time. In fact, to my chagrin, she had sent me messages asking for money. But I'd ignored them, thinking, "What's coming over my old lady? It's not three months since I sent her money through her brother and she's asking for more?" I didn't know that my "uncle" the Oddfellows champion had not given her a penny of what I'd sent her. All that travelling into the nooks and corners of Croydon at night, when I hate to drive, Al for nothing. And it had left my mother close to the point of need. How could anyone do such a thing? But that's the Ghana of today. I could see this idiot on a Saturday night clad in his Oddfellows finery from London. And my mother starving. None of the ideals of being an Oddfellow mattered to him. It hurt me --it hurt me badly.
When my mother passed and this guy came to the funeral and came to shake hands with me, I was sorely tempted to snub him by refusing his outstretched hand, or even to denounce him publicly. But I had the cowardice of the well-brought-up kid. It wasn't something my mother would have approved of, I thought. She was so sweet and would have hated to see me make a scene -- especially when the butt of my anger was her own step-brother..
But this was one day when I secretly wished I was one of those rough-hewn coves who got extremely pissed when someone they loved died, for had I been stoned out of my head, I would have been able to tell the crowd, in a loud voice, that this bespectacled windbag with a bald pate, the so-called timber merchant of means, had stolen money meant for the upkeep of his own "sister”, in order to buy a Lodge uniform to bask in in front of his peers! Superficial fool.
I really should have accosted him, for (if I may adapt Shakespeare)
"Thus good breeding doth make cowards of us all!"
Compare his action to that of the the woman who gave me some oranges, without knowing whether she could expect ever to set eyes on me again. Hmm, maybe the
greedy and the selfish among our countrymen are there to drive the home point to us that if you ruin your economy, you stand the risk of changing the very nature of your people too.